In Junior High, I craved attention, but never got the right kind. I chased after boys who were rebellious and different from the norm. My best friend (I had known since the third grade) and I grew apart. I began running with a ‘rough crowd’. I smoked my first cigarette at the age of 12. The summer I was 12 I had my first kiss with a boy at summer camp. I remember breaking into a church at the age of 13 and running around in it. I had my first drink at the end of my 8th grade year.
My name is Suzi. I was born in Cleveland , Ohio , in October 1973. At 3 months old, my mom and dad moved to Rochester , Michigan (due to my dad’s job transfer). My mom, a beautician, gave up everything to support my dad’s career, and as a result, lost her client base.
As a child, I grew up in an extremely dysfunctional family. My mom, grew up in an abusive home, and carried on the sins of her mother in that from my earliest memories, she always abused me physically and mentally. I have always been extraverted, and was naturally outspoken. She would slap me in the face constantly for being ‘disrespectful’ and ‘sassy’ if I attempted to express an opinion. She would grab my arm so hard that she left bruises from her fingers, and nail digs in my arm. She told me more times than I can remember how she ‘hated me’ and ‘wished I was never born’. I remember an episode of her getting angry with me as a small child and in a rage she kept slapping me until I curled up like a ball onto the floor. She kept hitting me until my dad finally puller her off of me. Don’t get me wrong; my dad was no angel either.
From my earliest memories, my father was addicted to pornography. At an early age, my brother and I discovered that my dad’s ‘workshop’ contained hundreds of magazines. My dad was also the absent father – always on the road for work. He also was extremely lazy with hygiene; he almost never took a bath. He never brushed his teeth (they were literally green at times). He became grossly overweight. He repulsed my mom. They both had wicked tempers and were constantly fighting. I suspect that these things perpetuated my mother taking her anger out on me.
I would say, however, in light of all of it, that I had a closer relationship with my dad while I was a child. I remember at the tender age of four years old, I was crying in my room. My dad asked me why I was crying. I told him, “Daddy, I can’t read.” From that point on, my dad began teaching me how, and soon reading became my escape from the world I lived in.
All of the chaos at home left me unbalanced in the world with other kids. Try as I might, I never really had any friends growing up. Sure there would be a girl here or there, but eventually they would move away, and I would be left alone. There weren’t many kids in the neighborhood my age, but there were some boys my brother’s age. I found that I really enjoyed playing with the boys, and became a tomboy. An odd mix bookworm and tomboy, but somehow it helped me to cope with the cards that life had dealt me. Finally around the third grade I made a few friends at school, and even had a best friend. Even so, we most likely bonded because we were the misfits. My mom’s unpredictable fits at home did not make it easy for me to be self confident enough not to care what people thought. That year, in third grade, my mom decided I wasn’t taking good enough care of my hair and chopped it severely short. I clearly remember boys calling me ugly from that point on. The popular kids were tough on me as we went to a ‘rich’ public school system, but we were barely making it economically.
There were a few times that my mom showed tenderness to me, however the majority of her affection was lavished upon my younger brother. He was the ‘golden child’ who could do no wrong. He always got into trouble at school, and so was rewarded just for not being bad. I was an angel at school, and was ignored and or abused at home. I truly loved my brother, but from the stories I’ve heard, even as a young child I dealt with jealousness about the way she treated him. My mom never abused my brother, but constantly doted on him. Apparently I pushed him off a porch as a toddler, and punched him around until he got big enough to punch me back. Maybe it was my way of taking out my frustrations from my mom. In spite of it all, my brother was my best friend growing up. He always made me laugh, he was so creative and always made up new games for us to play. When we would get grounded for anything, he would talk to me across the hallway. He looked up to me, and even (to my irritation then) imitated me.
I had a favorite aunt, on my dad’s side. She took a strong liking to me, as she had two sons but never had the daughter she desired. She began calling me ‘her little star’. (This is where the name Suzi Star originated.) I can’t tell you how much that meant to me. Starting around 12, once a year, on my birthday, I got to spend the day with my aunt. She treated me like I was somebody. To this day I feel like it was God’s reprieve for a little girl’s wounded heart. She would take me shopping and allow me to pick out my own outfit. That was a huge deal for me as my mom never allowed me to have any say. One year, I came home with a trendy outfit and my mom didn’t like it. She refused to let me wear it. Me being a kid who desperately wanted to fit in at school, I decided to risk trying to sneak past her. I somehow got out of the house and to the bus stop a block down the street without her seeing my outfit. My mom figured it out, however, and before the bus arrived, she drug me back into the house. She ripped into me with her words. She made me get out of the outfit. She washed out all of the hair spray I had craftily used to try to style my hair (in an 80’s fashion) scrubbing my head, hard. She then told me I wasn’t allowed to go to school as my punishment. Then she changed her mind and told me that I could go, but only if I kneeled on rice for half an hour and prayed for forgiveness. This struck me as odd, since our family wasn’t really religious. I cried for hours in despair, not knowing what to make of my mom. She finally made me up to look like a china doll with big fat doll curls and put me in an outfit that I was most likely allergic to – wool that made me itch. She promptly deposited me at school and we never spoke of it again.
In my opinion, none of my family truly knew God. My dad's side of the family was Catholic by family tradition. They rarely attended any services, much less pursued any kind of personal relationship with Jesus. My mom took us to a congregational church for a short period of time when we were kids, but it was more like duty, or something you were ‘supposed’ to do. The turmoil in the family and the cares of life eventually choked even that small amount out of our lives.
In Junior High, I craved attention, but never got the right kind. I chased after boys who were rebellious and different from the norm. My best friend (I had known since the third grade) and I grew apart. I began running with a ‘rough crowd’. I smoked my first cigarette at the age of 12. The summer I was 12 I had my first kiss with a boy at summer camp. I remember breaking into a church at the age of 13 and running around in it. I had my first drink at the end of my 8th grade year.
The summer after 8th grade I had a boyfriend who wanted to do more than kissing. I remember feeling how it was wrong somehow, and couldn’t bring myself to allow him his desires. But I was torn – the affection that boys gave me was becoming a substitute for the attention I was seriously starving for at home. That summer I contracted mono. I was so sick that I didn’t do much for the latter ½ of the summer. (In my opinion it was God’s way of trying to protect my innocence by keeping me away from my boyfriend; he broke it off with me after a while.) The biggest trouble for me was that my mom did not believe the fact that I was sick. I laid on the floor doing nothing for about a month. My tonsils became so swollen that they filled my entire throat. My mom kept telling me to stop being so lazy, and to get outside and do something. Finally, I pleaded with my brother to get a flashlight and have a look. Maybe, I thought, if he believed me, then she would too. It was so bad that it freaked my brother out. My mom finally believed me, but by then I had to go to a hospital for care, and the doctors scheduled surgery to remove my tonsils and adenoids as soon as the swelling went down enough.
In high school, things really went down hill. My parent’s fighting had gotten so bad that they filed for divorce. I started going to parties, getting drunk, and messing around with boys to keep their attention. I really just wanted someone to love me, but didn’t know that this was clearly not the best way to go about achieving that. Somehow through my partying, and the continued abuse and rejection at home, I maintained a good GPA at school. At 16, my mom’s abuse became unbearable, and she threw me out of the house, afraid she might kill me if she didn’t. I moved in with my dad, whose limited presence merely added to my rebellious behavior. My brother stayed with my mom, and began hanging with a rough crowd at school who were heavily into drinking and doing drugs.
My dad’s fore mentioned bad habits continued, and now in addition, he began to look at me like I was a woman and make comments that a man should not make to his daughter (like how sexy she looks). I felt like I was in a lose-lose situation, and tried to avoid him as much as possible. I tried to lose myself in my world at school and parties. I was talked into losing my virginity at the age of 16 to my boyfriend. I really wasn’t ready for that, but I didn’t want to lose him. This was a pattern with all of my boyfriends and friendships – I would cave in to their demands/peer pressure if I thought it would stay their rejection of me.
I graduated from high school as a complete heathen, living life carnally. I attended college right after high school, continuing to party and try to get approval from boys and friends. At 18, my dad began acting really weird towards me, at times it seemed he was ogling me, and the comments got worse. By 20, I jumped at the chance to move out, scared that my dad might do something. At very least, it creeped me out enough to want to get away from him, and fast.
When I was almost 21 years old, I began dating a bartender and I began moonlighting as a cocktail waitress in the blues bar where he worked. We moved in together after dating for a while. A short time later, I received the news that my brother had overdosed on a drug called Jimson Weed. Thankfully, they found him in time to save his life. My brother is 2 years younger than me. He was always very creative, artsy, and intelligent. After that, he slowly lost himself, and became a paranoid schizophrenic. I still grieve this loss today. Sometimes he acts like himself, but usually it’s almost like talking to a stranger or a child.
My bartender boyfriend ended up cheating on me with our boss, the bar manager. I literally caught him with her right after the act had taken place. I was mortified. Horrified at my dad’s indecent attitude towards me, I ended up moving back home with my mom for several months until I found some friends from school to move in with.
The partying continued as I joined a sorority. I lived with 5 girls in a huge 3-½-bedroom apartment. I kept working in bars as a part time job to pay bills during school - and the life consumed me. School was beginning to be a struggle. I went through several boyfriends who cheated on/used me. I began to feel jaded and started closing myself off to other people. My priorities were where I felt accepted, and this was in the nightclubs. I interned with Polygram records and then I dropped out of school due to lack of funding and interest. I worked for 2 years in a techno club in Detroit called Motor. I was beginning to be surrounded by a lot of famous people. I was deceived by the world, and burnt out by all of the abuse and rejection in my life. Due to my connections in the bar industry, I literally almost never had to pay for a drink or a cigarette, much less access to a club. I entered a competition for bartending, and took 6th place out of all the Michigan entrants. I felt pretty proud of myself, but my life was going nowhere fast.
At 23, I became hard of heart. I had always been fascinated with electronic music, and fell in love with the Goth scene. It seemed a perfect portrayal of my life. I took it on as a second job in addition to my job at Motor. With exception of working in the bar or going out, I became a recluse. I had little to no contact with my family. I only had superficial friends who I partied with.
At 25, a carnal Christian started talking to me about Jesus. By carnal, I mean someone who believed that living a nominal life for Christ including indulging lusts of the flesh was ok. No matter, the Holy Spirit will get a hold of those whom He desires. I didn’t even believe in God anymore; however, about 2 weeks before Christmas, the Spirit got hold of my heart, and I started to believe. I dug out my bible and began reading as much as I could. I started to pray. I began a relationship with this guy, and going to raves with him. I suspect the devil knew that God was getting a hold of me, and was throwing some large obstacles my way - I began to experiment with drugs like e, k, coke, and Ritalin. Being with this guy confused me, I remember going out all night and doing drugs and then showing up to church in the morning as we came down from the high. Even though we each had our own places to live, we practically lived together for the first year of my salvation.
The next summer, God began the process of cleaning me up. I was baptized in water, and felt the Holy Spirit come upon me so hard that my knees were buckling and I felt drunk spiritually. Shortly following, by His conviction, I stopped smoking, doing drugs, and getting drunk. God convicted me of my job in the bar, and at my resistance, He got me fired! I knew at that point that I had to make an honest living, and got a day job working as an administrative assistant. About this time, I also was convicted of the pre-marital relationship I was having with the aforementioned guy. I told him I had to live in purity - it was hurting my heart when I thought of how much it must have hurt my Lord's heart. I began to pray about things, whether God wanted us to marry, without saying much to him. He broke it off a month later. Needless to say, God has shown me in hindsight that marrying him would've been detrimental to both my emotions and my walk with Jesus. I prayed that God would keep me invisible to all men until He brought me a husband; deciding to forsake pursuing any relationships.
Almost immediately, my spiritual life began to take off. I was baptized in the Holy Spirit two months later. I went through deliverance for all of the evil that had been in control of my life. I was discipled by some very loving people in my church. Reading as much of the bible as I could, I became a sponge for the Holy Spirit to fill up with God's love and instruction.
God revealed to me that the drug ecstasy was the devil's counterfeit for the Holy Spirit. If you've never done e, it makes you feel completely at peace. The high seems almost spiritual and there is a physical sensation on your skin. Unlike drinking or other drugs, you remember every detail while you're on it. You feel an overwhelming sense of love and compassion for people - even your negative feelings towards people kind of melt away. But here are the side effects - you constantly feel like throwing up, you gnash your teeth, and when you come down you feel uncomfortable in your own skin and even find it difficult to go to sleep (though you've been up all night). I believe that the enemy has introduced this drug to give people a false sense imitating the true peace that only the Holy Spirit can give us. The side affects here seem demonic. I also noticed that while on e, I could literally communicate with people via thoughts alone. It's definitely a spiritual doorway that I felt compelled to encourage ravers to shut permanently. From that time, I began on a path of service for Jesus. For about a year and a half, I went to raves clean, and witnessed to kids at the parties. I saw God's love minister to so many lost souls. I was a really good dancer, and the Spirit would literally draw them to me out of my gifts. I watched God’s love enable some of them to get off drugs and out of the scene. Since I didn’t have any Christian friends who would go, I went everywhere solo to witness to raver kids. A lot of people in the church chastised me for doing this, but God sent me, and He protected me. Every summer, I took a road trip to go camping on my own to the west coast of Michigan as a sort of retreat – where I would spend time alone with God. It was amazing how much He used me as a witness during those times when I thought it was all about me being alone with Him. By God’s leading, I became involved with ministering to high school youth as a youth leader at my church. (This lasted for 3 ½ years.)
In normal fashion, I went to Cornerstone in 2001 solo. It was there that I met a lot of you TF’ers in person for the first time. I attended Scott Blackwell’s DJ/worship seminars, and spoke out boldly about how I felt as a former raver who wanted to see God move in the scene. After the seminar, I met Kevin & Shyla Coffman. We had a similar passion to reach out to the secular world with God’s love. We promised to keep in touch. Later that fall, I attended a Prophetica show in Michigan at John Rhaesa’s (DJ Race) church. I met Eric, John and Davo that day, and found out that they knew Kev & Shy. That winter, we got a plan together to form Shine. God gave me the idea for the name from Matthew 5:16 – “Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven.” I have always felt like I was called to minister to the secular world. It was really neat to meet some like-minded Christians. Out of God's leading we started a ministry to ravers - our goal was to throw clean parties where we would have the chance to get to know some of the kids and open our hearts to them as the Spirit would lead. We put on a few clean raves together; and I was able to introduce my kids from my youth group to the rave culture in a safe environment.
It was one of the best things in my life that I’ve been allowed to be a part of. It was also one of the hardest. Promoting for a Christian party is 10 times harder than for a secular event. But it was worth all the blood, sweat, and tears, if one of them came to know Christ from it.
I’ve since been led by God to move out of state. I’m living in Indianapolis . Although I’m not here for reasons I thought He wanted me here, God has given me a gift of healing. For the first time in my life, I am getting counseling for a lifetime of hurt over broken relationships. The Holy Spirit has lifted my countenance and I’m feeling strong in Him once again. I have been working with helping women in crisis situations. I still feel strongly drawn to electronic music and ministering to teenage/college-aged students. At this point I’m becoming a sponge once again, eager to soak up all that God will pour out into me. I’m taking several bible classes. I am hoping that God will lead me to minister to the youth again.
This life has taught me that all things really are possible in God. No one is past the point of reconciliation. I consider myself to have been the chief of sinners in this life. I have not divulged every point of wickedness, and nor do I care to. I just want to thank Jesus for saving me from my sure destruction. I am also grateful for the community of Tastyfresh. I’ve been here for many years, and have found steadfast friends here. Many of you have prayed for me when I’ve been out of work, disappointed, out of sorts, or broken-hearted. Everything I have gone through has helped me to take a step closer to the holiness that Christ desires for my life. Every hurt has caused me to cling to Him more closely; to become more sensitive to the hurts of others and His Spirit Who wants to touch them. Trials make your faith grow stronger, and God uses them to test your heart. He also uses them to teach us that His wisdom is far, far greater than ours could ever hope to be. I have learned that even if God wills something for your life, it doesn’t necessarily mean that other Christians will go along with it or even agree with it. I’ve learned to trust in God alone and pursue His path, even if it can be lonesome at times. And lately, God has taught me patient love, steadfast prayer, and gentleness. Lastly, His Spirit - this is what truly wins people to Him. I pray that God will help you to view every hurt, every struggle, and every frustration as a learning experience from our Wonderful Counselor.
In Christ,
Suzi